Two years ago Tim and I began the process of starting a family. As you can tell, the only kids in our lives are our nieces and nephews. It has been an interesting journey for the past year as we've met with a fertility specialist, been poked and prodded with procedures, and taken crazy pills. So many of our friends are pregnant or recent parents and I just wanted to document my gratitude for my life as it is. I know kids are a blessing and heard many times that kids are the best thing that has happened to parents, but I am grateful for my life and wanted to share my perspective.
For my 26th birthday, Tim took me to Lagoon. While we were waiting in line for one of the rides, I told him that I am enjoying this time I have not being pregnant. Over the last two years I have traveled quite a bit to visit friends and family and go to amusement parks: Disneyland twice, Knott's Berry Farm, Lagoon, even a water park in Boise. Over the last two years, I have been coast to coast in each direction of the compass: California, D.C., Chicago, and Houston.
I also love sleep. I really do! I love being able to go to sleep when I want, wake up when I want (at least during the summer and weekends), and be able to sleep through the night. I also like to run errands whenever it fits my schedule best. I know that will change drastically with kids, but that will be adjusted when the time comes.
Don't get me wrong, I look forward to having kids, but it is a long journey and I am enjoying the ride.
This is the current update:
Over the past year, Tim and I have taken a break from medication and procedures to help us get pregnant. This past week we met with a fertility specialist again to go over our options. Sadly, the results aren't optimistic. We have pretty much zero chance of getting pregnant on our own or through in-vitro fertilization (IVF). The two remaining options are adoption or use of donor sperm. We each have one more test to do to see if anything has changed in the past year. Cross your fingers, wish upon a star, pray for us, etc. We need all the help we can get!
Coincidentally the topic of today's Relief Society and Priesthood lesson was Elder Eyring's conference talk "Mountains to Climb" and the lessons of trials. While I am grateful for all of the things that I wrote about in August, this trial is really starting to take its toll. Tim and I stayed home from church on Mother's Day because it would have been too painful for me to sit through 3 hours of celebrating something in which I can't participate. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, unable to get ahead.
I remember when we bought Pepper. We were in the car driving to the pet store to pick up supplies for our new addition, when I thought to myself, "I'm finally a mom!" I know it's not the same and some people don't understand it, but it helps fill the hole in my heart that may never be filled.
Infertility is such a silent struggle. There are some days that I feel like I can't keep it in anymore. I hate when people ask "So, do you have any kids?", "When are you going to start having kids?", or give advice, "if you stop trying, it will work". I just want to yell "My sex life is none of your damn business!" We are trying to be patient and wait on the Lord's timetable, but it's hard! I know I posted how I can do anything I set my mind to and have a good support group, but there are some things completely out of control and I'm wearing down.
I'm tired of doing blood work, taking medication, peeing on pregnancy tests and ovulation tests, and enduring unpleasant procedures. Honestly, at one point, I was doing blood work so often I worried I would get track marks! :) I know people aren't trying to be offensive when they ask those questions or give advice. It's really hard to know what to say when someone breaks that kinda news on you. I know trials are "but a small moment" but getting a painful monthly reminder doesn't help.
I'm sure this isn't the best way to announce this kind of news to family and friends, but I can't handle calling and repeating the news to everyone on my speed dial.
Last June when Serb and I drove from SLC to DC together, we talked about this quite a bit. I remember telling her how grateful I am that Heavenly Father knows how much I can and can't handle. I can handle not getting pregnant, but I know I couldn't handle a miscarriage. While adoption may be our only option, we are hesitant to start that process. It is time consuming, invasive, expensive and not a sure thing. I don't know if I can handle that either.
While I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on life, this quote keeps popping into my head: "Every day may not be good...but there is something good in every day."
I have many things in my life to be grateful for, I just need to remember them and not focus so much on this one challenge. One of which is being able to add Disneyworld to my above list of amusement parks! I love being the favorite aunt (thanks, Rylee, for making that official) and spoiling my nieces and nephews in ways that only an aunt can!
Now that I've added some humorous pictures, cried my eyes out, and vented my feelings, I feel better. It's bedtime, and sleep makes everything just a little bit better.
This is the current update:
Over the past year, Tim and I have taken a break from medication and procedures to help us get pregnant. This past week we met with a fertility specialist again to go over our options. Sadly, the results aren't optimistic. We have pretty much zero chance of getting pregnant on our own or through in-vitro fertilization (IVF). The two remaining options are adoption or use of donor sperm. We each have one more test to do to see if anything has changed in the past year. Cross your fingers, wish upon a star, pray for us, etc. We need all the help we can get!
Coincidentally the topic of today's Relief Society and Priesthood lesson was Elder Eyring's conference talk "Mountains to Climb" and the lessons of trials. While I am grateful for all of the things that I wrote about in August, this trial is really starting to take its toll. Tim and I stayed home from church on Mother's Day because it would have been too painful for me to sit through 3 hours of celebrating something in which I can't participate. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, unable to get ahead.
I remember when we bought Pepper. We were in the car driving to the pet store to pick up supplies for our new addition, when I thought to myself, "I'm finally a mom!" I know it's not the same and some people don't understand it, but it helps fill the hole in my heart that may never be filled.
Infertility is such a silent struggle. There are some days that I feel like I can't keep it in anymore. I hate when people ask "So, do you have any kids?", "When are you going to start having kids?", or give advice, "if you stop trying, it will work". I just want to yell "My sex life is none of your damn business!" We are trying to be patient and wait on the Lord's timetable, but it's hard! I know I posted how I can do anything I set my mind to and have a good support group, but there are some things completely out of control and I'm wearing down.
I'm tired of doing blood work, taking medication, peeing on pregnancy tests and ovulation tests, and enduring unpleasant procedures. Honestly, at one point, I was doing blood work so often I worried I would get track marks! :) I know people aren't trying to be offensive when they ask those questions or give advice. It's really hard to know what to say when someone breaks that kinda news on you. I know trials are "but a small moment" but getting a painful monthly reminder doesn't help.
I'm sure this isn't the best way to announce this kind of news to family and friends, but I can't handle calling and repeating the news to everyone on my speed dial.
Last June when Serb and I drove from SLC to DC together, we talked about this quite a bit. I remember telling her how grateful I am that Heavenly Father knows how much I can and can't handle. I can handle not getting pregnant, but I know I couldn't handle a miscarriage. While adoption may be our only option, we are hesitant to start that process. It is time consuming, invasive, expensive and not a sure thing. I don't know if I can handle that either.
While I'm trying to keep a positive outlook on life, this quote keeps popping into my head: "Every day may not be good...but there is something good in every day."
I have many things in my life to be grateful for, I just need to remember them and not focus so much on this one challenge. One of which is being able to add Disneyworld to my above list of amusement parks! I love being the favorite aunt (thanks, Rylee, for making that official) and spoiling my nieces and nephews in ways that only an aunt can!
Now that I've added some humorous pictures, cried my eyes out, and vented my feelings, I feel better. It's bedtime, and sleep makes everything just a little bit better.
4 comments:
Sending love. The Lord has a plan for us all and the best part is that he'll give us the strength to bear and enjoy it. I will be praying ya'll can keep peace during this sturggle.
I love you!!
Love you guys and I am just hoping that it all works out. You two will be the best parents when that day comes. I am sure I say the wrong thing from time to time and I apologize. I want you guys to be happy more than anything and I hope the pieces all start falling together for you soon. Rox has been praying her little heart out for you guys. It usually goes something like this..."please help uncle tim and auntie marie find a baby" (I think she believes they just fall from the sky). then she follows it up with something random like "and I hope it's sunny out so they don't get to cold..." Sorry it's been such a struggle...love you both (and pepper) and keep us updated
I didn't want to not leave a comment, but I know a lot of times what people say can just seem trite or repetitive. I have a good friend out here that has had many of the same struggles you're having. I know there must be a lot of good days, but also many, many bad. It's easy to write optimistic posts, but still be hurting inside. I'm glad you had some time to vent with Serb. Stay strong (one of those trite phrases). Anyway, I'm thinking about you guys. Congrats on the new job, your puppy is adorable, and keep going to all of those amusement parks for me!
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